Thoughts
by Prosecuting Defense
Summary: A collection of primarily Beethoven-centric one shots that focus mainly on his relationship with CB. May or may not be further updated.
1. Reflections

**Chapter One: Reflection **

**Summary: Beethoven thinks about what the hell made him fall in love with CB.**

Author's note: I don't think any trigger warnings are needed for _this_ chapter, but I'd just like to say this takes place sometime after the party, but before Matt breaks Beethoven's hand(s).

Also, I'm not sure if they did this in any other production, but I just know in the one I saw, right before CB kissed Beethoven the first time, he was playing "Chopsticks" and (this may just be the pianist in me) kind of poorly, at that.

* * *

He couldn't tell what it was about that damn Charlie Brown that made him so charming.

He was a fucking asshole. Beethoven wasn't about to deny that any time soon. He still used the term "messing around", and still failed to notice Beethoven's shudder when he heard it.

But he wasn't intentionally hurtful. Not like those other dicks at school. CB stood up for him. He wasn't afraid to be seen with him on friendly terms, either. He openly said that he loved him. And he wasn't joking, or even scared to say so.

Then again, he made a mockery of his piano. CB has got to have been the only one that would interrupt his classical practice to play Chopsticks. _Chopsticks. _And he barely remembered the second half!

But it _was_ adorable, the way that he constantly looked back to Beethoven for approval, making sure he had the notes right. He'd grin through all of it, and his smile'd get wider every time he saw Beethoven roll his eyes.

He kissed him in front of everyone. Yeah, that _was_ another fucking stupid move, but he can't help but love that. CB wasn't afraid of the others' reactions, unlike Beethoven was. He felt terrified, scared for his life even, at the look on Matt's face. But CB was calm about it, proud, even. CB had nothing to hide, so why should he?

CB took it easy. He'd asked so many times if he was okay, if this was okay, if he wanted to stop. And even after Beethoven reassured him, he'd ask again, worried he'd set off the boy. He was gentle, unlike anyone else, least of all _him. _

It was with CB that Beethoven really knew that sex could be enjoyable, despite their inexperience and clumsiness. It was amazing to feel the passion he felt with CB as opposed to the numbness he'd felt otherwise.

And as much as he hated to admit it, CB, the lovable prick he was, was the first boy Beethoven could actually say he loved.

And no one, not even Matt could ruin that for him .


	2. Final Thoughts

**Trigger Warnings for this chapter: Suicide, slurs. **

**Chapter 2: Final Thoughts**

**Summary: A look into some of Beethoven's final thoughts before he commits suicide. **

Author's note: again, pretty sure the production I saw was a bit different from others, in which Matt only broke Beethoven's right hand, which, as we all know, is vital to playing the main melody of most pieces.

There's a bit of headcanon in this one, in that, while we've noticed that Lucy, at least, called him Charlie Brown in the show, and everyone else had a really specific connection to their comic counterparts, in that Linus and the blanket, Lucy and being in love with [Beethoven] when she was 8, etc, and the closest Beethoven got was the piano, not exactly specific, hence just a nickname? It'll get its own oneshot.

* * *

This. This was his lowest point.

Schroeder – no, Beethoven, he wasn't _worthy_ enough of an actual name anymore – felt like there was no point in living anymore.

He felt about as useless as his right hand was now.

Life would only get worse with him still around. He couldn't be seen with CB anymore, for fear of more damage being done to his body.

For fear of something happening to CB.

He could cope with a broken hand. He could cope with two.

He's _been_ coping with the insults. He's _been_ coping with the catcalls. He's _been _coping with the beatings, the assaults, and the abuse. He doesn't care about what they do to him anymore.

But he doesn't think he'd be able to cope with CB getting hurt.

He's learned to hold back the tears. He's learned to hide the emotions. But CB hasn't. CB shouldn't have to.

He loves CB, with all his heart. He's not afraid to admit it anymore. CB's not scared to say he's in love with him, but it doesn't matter.

It's because he loves CB, that he has to go. Matt's CB's best friend, he'd go easy on _him_, sure. But if he was capable of breaking his hand without a single second pause, then he could sure as hell do the same to CB.

Fuck, he could do worse, to either of them.

But he knows the worst would come to him. For "making Matt's best friend a fucking homo".

Talking to Van's sister helped sometimes. She made him laugh, the way that she compared his and CB's relationship to a really fucked up version of Romeo and Juliet, in the sense that Matt was all the opposition needed to keep the two apart.

Even she told him to be careful.

He remembered when they were younger, when he still had an actual fucking name. When Van's sister (and the others) would lean on his piano, and they'd all talk. When Matt was still Pig-Pen, and when they were all friends and he didn't hate every fucking homosexual on the face of the earth. When Van had carried his blanket around, not smoked it. When CB's dog was still alive, as was the little yellow bird. He missed the times when he was just best friends with CB, and was allowed to think he was cute, to have a crush on him, without having to fear for another physical or emotional injury.

He missed the way it used to be.

The dynamic that they all used to share, as friends.

But that would never come back.

The only way he could keep anything from happening to CB was to remove himself from the equation.

He thought about leaving a note, he even thought about saying a final goodbye in person, one last kiss. He didn't want to risk it.

He was glad the last thing he'd ever said to CB was "I love you."

And as much as he wished those could've been his last words, he ended his life with his final words being, "I'm sorry, CB."


	3. Nicknames

**Chapter 3: Nicknames**

**Summary: Beethoven muses about the nicknames his friends managed to get**

Author's note: no warnings here, we're good.

I said I'd write something about nicknames next, so here it is!

* * *

Yanno, Beethoven's still not quite sure how the hell some people got their names.

CB's was obvious, Charlie Brown, just take his initials. No thought required there.

Sally was reduced to nothing more than CB's sister. Beethoven was pretty certain that no one but Van even called her by her name anymore.

Speaking of Van, he didn't think he really needed to delve more into that._  
_

And then there's Lucy, who, like Sally, was reduced to just being a sister. Though Beethoven wondered if that had something to do with the fact that, since she was in solitary confinement and away from the group, that she just wasn't on anyone's mind anymore. And thus, had no need for any name other than a sister.

Beethoven doubts that his real name is Matt. It's not that he doesn't trust him, it's just – no, he just doesn't trust him. Maybe it's just because they grew up together as Schroeder and Pig-pen, and no one knew he actually had a name until high school, but Beethoven still had a problem calling him Matt.

And then there was him. Beethoven. Schroeder. He doubted anyone but CB actually remembered he had a name. He hadn't been called Schroeder for years. One of the guys said he didn't _deserve_ a name.

Maybe he didn't. He wasn't worth much, anyway, judging by how they just threw him around like a fucking ragdoll.

But it felt good to know there was one person who'd always remember his name.

And would call him Beethoven not because it was his nickname, but because they thought his talent with a piano 'warranted it'.


	4. Hands

**Trigger Warning for this chapter: Suicide (I guess?)**

**Summary: Although Beethoven can't play the piano anymore, CB's still around, and he asks about the hand.**

**Verse: AU!delayed suicide (it happens later.)**

Author's Note: so yeah. This happened. I dunno. I just really love the verse in which the suicide is delayed, ok? Like, where there's a lot of time between Matt breaking Beethoven's hand and Beethoven committing suicide. It's cool to think about what could have happened if there was a while in between them okay?

It's not the best, but, whatever.

Okay, just go read the story.

* * *

The music room seemed a little colder, now. Now that he couldn't play his piano, now that he couldn't distract himself from anything, he felt spending time there was meaningless.

That was until CB came back into the Music Room, kept trying to play some ridiculous song, asking Beethoven to correct him when needed.

It brought a smile to Beethoven's face, both CB's errors and improvements. Just spending time with CB made him happy. CB was fine just talking to him, and Beethoven never had to explain the hand.

Until that one time CB actually asked.

He'd asked what happened.

He broke it.

He'd asked how.

It wasn't important.

He'd asked if someone did it.

It wasn't important.

He'd asked who did it.

No one did.

He'd asked if it was Matt.

He didn't reply.

He'd asked again if it was Matt, angry this time.

Again, he didn't reply, almost out of… fear?

He knew it. He knew it was Matt.

Yeah, but if he were to say anything to Matt, if he were to even _try_ to stand up for him, Matt would break his other fucking hand.

He couldn't just leave it be, he fucking _broke his hand._

He doesn't think he can take anything else. If something else happens to him, if _anything _happens to CB, he'll kill himself. He knows it. He's not sure how (yet), but he'll fucking end it the moment anything else happens.

That scares the shit out of CB.

He doesn't mean to scare him, but it's the truth. He's been on the brink since Matt broke his hand. From the moment CB kissed him in front of everyone, every fucking thing had gone downhill for him.

Things had gotten better, at least in terms of his romance with CB, sure, but the threats grew more intense, and the physical assaults grew more painful. That's what caused everything to build up to the point that he was suicidal.

He'd never told any of this to CB, which caused the boy such a shock to hear this. He knew everything was fucking terrible for Beethoven; he knew the abuse he'd endured. Hell, at one point, CB was the fucking _cause_ of his pain. But he had no idea the boy was at the point where he'd take his own life.

And CB never really fully accepted that it was so bad for the boy.

Until he was actually gone.


End file.
